lost

It's one of those nights again.
The ones where you lie down and wonder if you matter.
Why do people try to hurt the ones that seem to care?
I've had my fill of false promises of empty words and daydreams.
I've changed. I was once strong and confident and now all I seem to do is wallow in doubt and self pitty.
I'm tired of this; of looking at the darkness above my bed while crying myself to sleep.
All that because I care too much and still believe in people keeping their word.
But that will never happen will it? 
No... virtue has been long lost.

further

I toss and turn, unable to sleep yet not quite awake. There is a discomfort in my chest, a strange feeling i thought was long gone.
Doubt.
I look at the small lights from my devices trying to guess what time it is.
Im afraid to look because it's probably already morning.
You're fast asleep without a care and i can't seem to find peace.
You denied me the pleasure of sleep without feelings of  worthlessness and sadness.
It's getting harder to swallow now and my eyes sting because i forgot how to blink.
Even the pills don't work anymore, there is no ease; just nothing.
I wonder how much more i can endure, I've come miles further than i ever thought i could.
Yet i dont know if that was the wisest choice, to exhaust my limits to diminish my flame.
You see i used to burn bright like the sun, i was a wildfire , if i wanted something or someone i always won the war and enjoyed my spoils.
Now my army is broken, the soldiers wounded and the ranks weak, i dont know if this is another fight or the endning of the actual war.
I hope i wont lose. I hope my cunning will get me through.
But your strategies have grown cruel and catch me off guard, for i am powerless when you say  you love me. And i grow numb when the next day you take it all back.
You play dirty.
I'm a woman of my word and i fight clean and fair, injustice and fake accusations are not what I'm made of.

The long road.

And I waited for the words to become reality, to become action, something i could grasp on.
I wanted it to be real, I needed it to be real.
I wanted to believe that someone would at last not give up but give in.
People like me are unbearable I get it; we expect too much and love in strange ways. Our heads are lost up in the clouds along with long lost ideas of love,ideals,ways of how this are supposed to be.
Yet here I am refusing to give up despite the constant disappointment .
I keep telling myself that I need to let got of empty promises of people who are too good with words but shockingly devoid of any intent for action. But here I am still trying to prove to the world that they should change and not I. What a lonely fool I am.

Care.

Don't feed my flames so fast.
They are used to slow and steady, for they grow wild and burn anything and anyone in their way.
Don't let me be ash so you can have your fill.
Keep me burning for a while.
Slow and steady love.