further

I toss and turn, unable to sleep yet not quite awake. There is a discomfort in my chest, a strange feeling i thought was long gone.
Doubt.
I look at the small lights from my devices trying to guess what time it is.
Im afraid to look because it's probably already morning.
You're fast asleep without a care and i can't seem to find peace.
You denied me the pleasure of sleep without feelings of  worthlessness and sadness.
It's getting harder to swallow now and my eyes sting because i forgot how to blink.
Even the pills don't work anymore, there is no ease; just nothing.
I wonder how much more i can endure, I've come miles further than i ever thought i could.
Yet i dont know if that was the wisest choice, to exhaust my limits to diminish my flame.
You see i used to burn bright like the sun, i was a wildfire , if i wanted something or someone i always won the war and enjoyed my spoils.
Now my army is broken, the soldiers wounded and the ranks weak, i dont know if this is another fight or the endning of the actual war.
I hope i wont lose. I hope my cunning will get me through.
But your strategies have grown cruel and catch me off guard, for i am powerless when you say  you love me. And i grow numb when the next day you take it all back.
You play dirty.
I'm a woman of my word and i fight clean and fair, injustice and fake accusations are not what I'm made of.