So it begins

Beware of the pretty face, of the truth behind the lies.
His smile hides danger and I'm drawn like  moth to flame.
He'll burn my wings and kill me slow.
He will destroy my walls as if they never were built at all.
Yet I'm not afraid, he smells like sunshine ans seasalt.
Like things I've never seen and tasted before.

I wish him well with all the luck.
My wings are bruised but not weak anymore.
I'll fly to different places eventually.
I wish him not to stay rooted here, in all this mess.
I wish him all my love.
I wish myself well and happy as I am.
And the morning shall find me elsewhere.

hope

With every fall the cracks become wider.
The darkness won't win, not this time.
I will bare my chest so the light can shine in, to banish the darkness.
I scream until my lungs give out, I'm alone here.
I let it all go and wish them well in the summer wind.
I'll heal, I'll spread hope and love because this world has known enough hate.

And just like that i told myself to let go.
No more pain no more wasted time on people.
I've  had had enough lies and manipulation  to last me a lifetime.
I stopped waiting for you a long time ago.
I'm  spreading my wings and people notice how I fly.
I've  misses feeling this young this light. As if I'm  floating on new feelings.
Everything is new to my eyes now and I see myself  clearer than before.
I see my worth I see what good I can offer to those around me.
I'm  sorry you were to scared and weak to keep me, it's  a pitty that you had the most beautiful bird locked up and treated like a wasp.
But now I know and I won't  have my legs shackled anymore.
Goodbye.

24/8/18

Human.

I'm  made of skin and bones and too much love.
Love to fill enough empty spaces so noone will feel lonely again.
Love like the one I lost and the one I hope to find one day.

The only dream I had was him and I happy and in love, not on borrowed time but with our own rules.
But life has a funny way of hurting the lovers.
What a bitch.

Chapter 1.

My lips are dry.
They crack as they scream in the dead of night.
My soul is thirsty for what used to be and will be no more.
Thank you for everything, the fire in my chest will cease to burn.
I tremble as I think,alone as i've  always been.
I'll  let the love sleep.

Piece.

Yeah I was totally wrong.
He moved on while I clung unto hope.
I tried to grasp any little piece to give me strength so I wouldn't  drown.
But no, i'll  drown anyway.
I hoped and still do but it'll  get me nowhere......
If by any chance you lay eyes on this don't  be afraid and talk to me.
I could never hate you even if I tried.
But know I won't  hold my breath for I.have been let.down by myself one too many times.

Cicle

Hope will be the death of me.
Even though I told myself I shouldn't  have any expectations.
I might be imagining things but I thought he'd  come.
That he would cast aside his foolish ego and put someone else first.
I was probably wrong again, blinded by my own emotions.
My mind is so clouded and i'm  probably chasing ghosts.
For he left me and ignored everything I did, why on earth would he ever miss me?
I think I see signs. But I'm  probably wrong as I've  always been.

Don't run.

Let the silence be broken.

Let me see the raw real you.

The hurt the mistakes the embarassment.

And I won't  hide either, I will show you who I really am.

No longer worried by fears of the past.

Feed my flame so I can feed yours.

We've  always been the crazy kind haven't  we?

Rust.

Like an old clock we were steady.
But someone forgot to oil or cogwheels.
Suddenly he stopped.
Our mechanism was broken.
Only love and time will fix this machine again.
I long to hear the ticking but my hands are not steady enough.
I shake in fear for the mistakes I might commit.
If time goes on like this rust will form, and the machine might not run again.

Carnival

I'm  not walking away. Not yet at least.
My world is burning and I stand still.
I'm  afloat somewhere between the state of sleep and consciousness.
I get by with my small victories.
I'm  afraid of those around me of how mad they will be that I still wait.
Of what will happend if by any chance I get to decide where I stand.
I'm  comfortable  here, not knowing how or why.
My chest feels lighter as the days go on but my feelings linger still.
Like a slow burning fire they fuel me.
I wish there was someone or something to blame so that my anger wouldn't  flare up.
I'm  not angry with him but with myself because I never saw it coming.
It's  late once again and my thoughts are all over the place.
At least I'm  not ashamed anymore and I know that I try.

It's late and I'm not fine

If you ask them what they see in him they shall say: a hardworking man, a friend a foe.
When they ask me I can only smile through my tears and reply "Home".

chapter 0

And so we became what we feared the most.
Two strangers who share memories of a lifetime long gone.
I am missing you and I will miss you but I know you won't

- So here's to you my eternal longing my unending what if.

Well done.

And in the end you became everything you swore you hated.
Just one more dirty male whore ready to entertain a mass of brainless creatures.
Thank you for committing  suicide right in front of my eyes and making me see just how wrong I was about you.

forever.

When you are with someone you always think you have forever, but you don't. You never do.
We only have borrowed time until one hearts gets broken and the other walks away as if nothing happened.

still.

And maybe I was the only one that fell in love.
That drowned in the feeling.
I broke myself over and over without a thought because he was worth it because he still is.
How safe I felt withing his arms, like noone could touch me.
But in the end who the hell was I? Just another rock in his path.
He cast me aside with no feeling.
Why do I still have hope? Why do I still wait?
He is never coming back and it scares me to death.
I will never be able to tell him I love him and wish him nothing but the best even though it hurts.
He will never offer me closure, he did what I told him I feared the most.
Here I am still waiting, still yearning.

Questions

I wonder when it ended for him.
When he decided that our love was not worth fighting for anymore.
I can't sleep well and I've lost so much weight since then.
I stare at blank walls and try to understand.
I want to talk to him so badly to let him know how much he means to me and how sorry I am for failing to keep my jealousy in check. I want to tell him all the things I've realised in these days.
It can't only be me that misses him still that yearns for his touch.
Or maybe I am because he was gone long before he said anything to me.
I will always wonder.

....

I'm  calling out to you the only way I know how.
Through my silence.
I'm  afraid to speak up I no longer wish to disturb your peace of mind.
But here I am silently screaming pleading for you to listen.

Cage.

If I could i'd  take it back.
How neurotic and paranoid I was from time to time.
How my hands tried to hold you down when you wanted to fly.
Lies made me that way, desperately  longing to be loved by you.
The free bird I wanted to sing only for me.
Humans are like that, egotistical  and possessive.
You sang for me so freely but lied when i asked if you sang the same for someone else.
And that's  when i began to lock the door.
But you grew smarter and smarter and found ways to deceive me more, until the day you left.
I miss your song but I won't  miss the rest.
I want someone that will only sing for me and won't  care for further audience.
Someone who will hear me singing back and will appreciate the broken little notes that make me who I am.
Goodbye my free bird for now I set you free.

Day 13

As the days go by I began to forget his voice.
How his hands traced my hips when we slept in the same bed.
The smell and the warmth of his body begin to fade away.
My chest feels heavy but I'm  not angry anymore.
I'm  trying to find some reason for how things went but I'm  only now realising  that my questions will never find an answer.
I hope I'll  be okay with that one day.
His side of the bed feels empty and cold.
The memories  still linger still haunt.
Love left such a bitter taste in my mouth, if I can call it that.
That's  the only thing that makes me mad.
For all those years we spent together the one thing that will stay with me is how violently it ended, how it ripped me to pieces.
As the days go by I wish I'll  begin to forget you.

And just like that it ended.
With a loud thunder my soul broke in a million pieces.
I will miss you, I love you more than I can ever put into words.
I hope you find all you've ever wanted and that you will think of us from time to time.
If you ever find it in your heart love me some and don't forget how I tried.
I made so many mistakes and I will never be able to take them back but one thing I know for sure is that I will never regret loving you.
I hope that I will heal as fast as you so I can look back and see the things that made us.
I stayed awake wishing so many nights that you would think this through and you would find it somewhere in you to give it a chance. But you didn't. So I won't talk about you anymore. I will try to go on. 3.5 years gone in a week with no explanations. I feel lost if nothing else. I have questions and you left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, the taste of ignoring me and not even talking to me face to face. I can never forgive that.

I will remember
I will miss
I will love

you.