And lately I've had this feeling, like I need to breathe but there is no air all around. My lungs fill but I'm drowning.... Despair, agony, anxiety, sadness, self-blame all come crushing down without a warning, subtle moves from loved ones make me feel smaller than ever before and take all my worth away. I know this shouldn't happen but what can I do.... I wanna break down I wanna lie down and never get up again but I can't because I'm a coward and I could never end this.... this misery, this self loathing and all the doubt.
It's eating me alive and I can't kill it, maybe secretly I don't want it to go away, maybe I'm content with being broken and being the "victim" maybe it's the easy way out and I can't see it....But lately even sleeping has become a chore, the nightmares are there creeping quietly driving me nuts... I can't trust no matter what, I always tend to find the stupidest little thing to annoy me and fill me with doubt and yet even though I know I and only I do this to myself i can't seem to stop.... It's always a thought that crosses my mind, that people will leave and i'll be alone again. But then again having them and feeling like a gum under their shoes is worse i suppose..... Every move I make seems another mistake to their eyes and I'm trying, God knows i'm trying to better myself and not be like that but i never seem to make it... It's but a vicious cycle of feeling worthless and trying to overcome while wanting to die every passing second.