Tired.

And the world grows colder.
Day by day the chill in my bones seems to get worse.
How I can't  seem to wake up the right way.
My chest isn't  heavy now but my mind rolls in turmoil.
Too many questions and more what ifs.
How nobody comes to stay no matter what.
People have grown distant and it makes me angry.
How will these poor souls find solace?
How will our hearts be at peace?
The games are wearing me out.
No rules to follow and countless people that join in.
I'm  tired and nothing ever seems to stop.

The moon

And I never cared much for the sun that touched my body.
 I was born into darkness and the moon offered me solace.
It was and still is the only time of day that I get some peace.
The moon sees my soul, it's  dried my tears countless times and heard my heart break a million more.
The quiet of the night where everyone drifts off to sleep yet I still lay awake is what enchanted me.
How i knew that at this hour only the artists the poets and the hurt were awake with me.
It made me feel less alone.
At night you see people for who they are. If they'll  hold you close or if they'll  choose to ignore you.
It's  at night that you cry yourself to sleep and need some comfort.
And oh the quiet fills every empty space I'll  ever have.

And if you are one of those cowards stay away from me.
Stay far so I won't  see you.
For I am made of wonder and too many feelings.
Hope.
They told me not to lose it....
But I'm  far too tired to dwell on people who leave.
People who are scared of the deep waters.
I learned how to swim but it's  not my place to teach anybody else.
Stay near the shore be afraid and i will laugh as i summon the waves from the deep to drown you all.

Rage.

I was consumed  by fire.
Smouldering  fire that burst out of me in a storm of rage.
 My head felt heavy and my body weak. Shivers down my spine  as I could not believe what was going on.
The room started spinning  and I was out of control.
My breath came out short and my lungs ached when I tried to gasp for air.
 I clenched my fists and closed my eyes but the world still went round in circles.
"This is it" I thought.
"That's  how I'll  go" and in my panic I smiled.
I smiled as my vision grew darker and my head left my shoulders.
I smiled as I succumbed  to unconsciousness  hoping to never wake up again.

Light.

The sun shines a bit brighter , it might be that I welcome the warmth now.
 I'm  not afraid of the light and what comes with it.
My soul  has always been naked for anyone to see and I'm  not gonna change that.
I can't  lie. I can't  play games.
 I've  never been that way.
It's  all or nothing. The rays stroke my skin and it almost feels as if they touch something on the inside.
They chase the shadows out and banish them. What a glorious feeling for a creature of darkness, to be no longer afraid of the light.

Louder.

We deserve a love so loud that will shatter the darkness.
A love that will slip through the cracks to reach for the light.
A love so loud that will make us question what our lives had been before that.
 A love so loud that no matter what tries to break it apart will roar louder.
A love louder than words and what ifs, loud as the beating of our hearts

Repeated story.

And I'm  not so sure anymore. My eyes see and my heart doesn't  want to believe.
Why is it that men always betray us?
 Why is it that they crave female validation so much that they are eager to cheat on the person they chose?
If you want to do that  keep your single status and don't  drag anyone else in your mess. Why get someone so invested in you just to tear them down?
Do human beings mean so little to you?
 And don't  use the "I didn't  know any better" excuse on me. If that was done to a person you hold dear you would be out for blood.
 Set them free if you don't  care, just don't  drag them along in this foolish endeavor  of filling your bottomless ego.
Silly boys never grow up and it's  our curse to fall for them.
What is it that you want from me?
Am I just a convenient asset?
A tool to keep the loneliness away?
 Just another rock in your path that shined a little more than the rest?
 Or was I a haste decision?
 No matter what the answer is, all I know is that you spoke some heavy words and I expect you to stand by them.

Be honest, it saves everybody's  time.

Hell

And it's moments like this one, where I find myself in utter silence that I wonder if this is what hell feels like.

The empty feeling in my stomach and how the air seems thicker and harder to breathe.

How things change out of the blue and leave you speechless, stuck in loops of guilt and doubt.

If things ever get better I want to be protected from this pain. This void that consumes me as the days go by is crippling. I can feel the chill in my bones, all my mistakes creeping back into my head forever holding me hostage to an enemy I cannot defeat.

Silly girl

And the feeling still lingers....
The void gnawing  in the back of my head.
My heart flutters when i think too much and i tend to do that a lot.
 I feel small when doubt gets the best of me. I hate it because I'm  trying so hard to escape this cell I've  created for myself.
 I want to place the blame on others to scream that  it's  not my fault, but it is. I allowed to be treat as such and now I'm  paying the price.... The price of years of manipulation  and mental suffering, of allowing people to trample  over me.
 I'm  almost 26 and I've  never felt so weak. I promised myself that I wouldn't  fall in love again I wouldn't  allow anyone  to gain my affection.
Yet here I am.
Trying to battle my demons while trying to put up a straight face.
I'm  afraid of what will come if it ends.
 I'm  terrified for I know it will break me more than anything before.
 For even in my caution I'm  a blind fool.

The lovers

They were constant like the sun and the moon. On their own terms. 

He helped her shine a bit brighter and she stayed in the sky as long as she could just to see him rise each dawn. 

 Everlasting ;dancing in circles just a touch away. 

For the constants cannot change but only awe from afar.