My dear hatred.

She breathed in, no sound all around but her drumming heart. It had been a while since she felt so dead inside. The thing that kept her going was the hummingbird in her chest trying to set itself free. The voices were louder and sent shivers down her spine but she couldn't look, she didn't want to be more exact, the nightmares were closing in and she was paralyzed. By the time she was able to move her lungs ached and all the day was gone but she still felt like shit. That sick feeling had been around for years never changing  but for some reason it now became stronger with each passing second. She looked in the mirror not recognizing who she was anymore, an empty shell , the eyes staring back at her were not a part she remembered. They were no longer soft filled with the will to live another day, they were black holes of despair and agony. The "perfect" life she made everyone believe she had was eating her alive, killing her slowly but not visibly. She wanted to weep but when you can't remember what you miss it's ironic to be sad about it right? So how could she mourn a self so forgotten, buried so deep down she could barely even recall it? She knew something was not right but she couldn't recall the times when it had not been like this.

"Happy" she said, that's what everyone expected her to be. But the word itself sounded bizarre, she could smile and feel the elation but then it was gone with a crash. A loud fucking crash that made her head spin and her stomach churn. She was never lonely, she had people all around but she was always alone, Alone in the prison of her mind forever bound. Lies came easy they almost felt like the truth by now, it's better to not burden others with whatever is eating you alive. "Just look on ahead and lie" it filled her with a spark of hope that she could go on like this. <> the voices thundered-she cringed- she hated when they would speak to her. She already knew she was weak, the "I'm a special snowflake and I deserve a prince because I'm strong" thing was a joke by now. "Nothing unique here" she mumbled to herself and turned her back to the mirror. 

The room was dark and it felt like home. So she lied down pretending she would fall asleep only to peer into the darkness that claimed her mind.

Nevermind.

And lately I've had this feeling, like I need to breathe but there is no air all around. My lungs fill but I'm drowning.... Despair, agony, anxiety, sadness, self-blame all come crushing down without a warning, subtle moves from loved ones make me feel smaller than ever before and take all my worth away. I know this shouldn't happen but what can I do.... I wanna break down I wanna lie down and never get up again but I can't because I'm a coward and I could never end this.... this misery, this self loathing and all the doubt.
  It's eating me alive and I can't kill it, maybe secretly I don't want it to go away, maybe I'm content with being broken and being the "victim" maybe it's the easy way out and I can't see it....But lately even sleeping has become a chore, the nightmares are there creeping quietly driving me nuts... I can't trust no matter what, I always tend to find the stupidest little thing to annoy me and fill me with doubt and yet even though I know I and only I do this to myself i can't seem to stop.... It's always a thought that crosses my mind, that people will leave and i'll be alone again. But then again having them and feeling like a gum under their shoes is worse i suppose..... Every move I make seems another mistake to their eyes and I'm trying, God knows i'm trying to better myself and not be like that but i never seem to make it... It's but a vicious cycle of feeling worthless and trying to overcome while wanting to die every passing second.

Dark

She had never felt more alone in the presence of others, empty cold and apathetic.She lost the meaning of who she was, floating in darkness pretending to be alive when all she wanted was to silence her mind and be at peace...
 She closed her eyes wondering what was happening, but she was too tired to dwell anymore.