My heart is tired.
My mind is tired.
My soul is tired.
I'm a tangled mess of sorry excuses and fake promises.
Broken over and over again to amuse an audience I'll never see.
What a sick game that is.
All I can do is watch and feel the pain.
I hope you're laughing or that you feel moved.
My act is just about to come to an end.
Sooner or later.
Soon.

promise

Beauty is in my broken little pieces. In the way I  fall apart each night and yet manage to reassemble myself by the first ray of dawn.
I'm a mess, a collectible clutter of ill fiting pieces with high hopes of being whole in the future.
But that day will probably never come, for I'm not a diamond in the rough.
I was glass thought to be bulletproof but that was not the case.
I tried flame and ice to forge me anew and nothing happened, heaven's barred and hell won't have me.
So stay away, away from the mess I call life and you might be free of my curse.
But if you decide against my advice then promise not to complain about my sharp edges.

Doomed.

This darkness is bewitching.
The sadness knocking on my door and the feeling that i choke on thin air.
I'm on the edge trying to figure out what to do, wait and see or jump and to hell with them all?
But I guess having even this feeling is better than not feeling at all.
People dont want to change, they want YOU to change so you fit their plan and they have to do nothing to disturb their ignorance.
Take me as I am or stop raining on my parade, this shit is getting old.
I love my mess. If you cant deal with this then why should i spare my happy moments.
Im a turmoil, a storm and  I cant, wont be tamed.
You say Im doomed. I say to hell with you and all the people alike.

Note to self

And I felt the rage bubble up within me.
A turmoil I would much rather forget than see it rise.
I though we were past this, past the crazy past useless people.
I guess I was the only one who was over that.
Over giving a damn about what people say or think.
Over of allowing just about anyone to enter my life.
Over of letting the darkness consume me.
I guess I was a liar for once.
I let the darkness in. I let the abyss creep up my spine and grab my head with its filthy hands.
They tangle the strings of my mind they devour it like bookworms the pages.
But no I'm not crazy. My only fault is that I'm hopeful.
Hopeful that one day people might actually do as they are given.
Maybe one day they will see that what they though was a constant is nothing but fleeting sand between their toes, and soon they will run out of time.
Soon...
Maybe never.

Necessity

And I had to walk through fire to realise how much the burn does not bother me. I watched as my flesh became charred and started to peel from my bones. I had to watch myself be forged anew by a greater power that was imposed upon me. Through hot coal and smoke I rose and swore that I would be different that I would learn to live again.

Him.

You were everything I wasn't.
You were alive and loud and I was growing old and quiet.
We had to part and once more become the strangers we were before our paths crossed.
My love I will miss you but I know you won't.
So here's to you my eternal longing my unending what if.

2017

In a society that shames love I stood there with my heart laid bare.
Out there for everyone to see and hold.
But the onlookers were disgusted by the raw emotion, they got scared of the truth and turned their heads away.
I stood and stook waiting for the few that dared to come close.
I started bleeding from their piercing looks and their hateful words.
And there I stayed one of the last romantics refusing to fall.

Homage

And thus silence became the most deafening sound coming from her mouth.
An empty silence as if she never existed or as if she was a dream that passed.
She no longer had time to linger, to beg.
She left, and the void came right after ready to fill the space she once occupied.

Darkness.

I have been in the darkness for so long it feels almost like home.
Home where you once where and would be no more.
The place that you left empty and desolated, dry to the bone.
Dark like the thoughts consuming me from within.

Thirst

And I poured my soul into him, I bled myself dry.
But he was a bottomless well, always wanting more to fill but never giving enough the quench my thirst.

The lion and the lamb.

A dark path on a day like this is the only thing i can go down. Sorrow has taken my soul hostage for a long time, darkness feels like home most days, it's almost like a sickly sweet scent that makes you dizzy but still has you captivated. I stand bare with no fear of what this dark holds for I have been here too long, the light has become a distant memory almost unpleasant now that i think about it.

We are always held between heaven and hell, this transient state renders the soul useless. It's tiring just being with no reason trying for no obvious outcome, hunting, devouring and yet your hunger never being satisfied. The thrill coming and going like currents in the ocean.
I've become one with the lamb and the lion mocks me. It plays in the shadows always there but always unseen.
I'm blind as i run bleeding over the bridge, the bridge that leads to nothing and all.
"I'm yours" I scream and the darkness laughs, did i say this to myself? or to him? the everlooming pressence in my head, the lion, the wolf, the mastermind of this darkness the one who holds the knife and stabs my insides with every wrong move i make. Did he hear? Did he see? Did he sense the slip up? I dare not think what happens if he wins, for he must not come out to play, the rest of the flock is not ready for him yet and nor it will ever be.


                                                                 -He Laughed-

And then there was silence. Cold. Cold. Cold.
"Yours completely" I sing.
I can never forget what he's given me nor forsake it. So I'll stay here in his golden cage because in the end he came out and the sheep have not noticed that one of them has a taste for the hunt.