Guide

Never let someone experience  the hurt you've  felt before.
Be the guiding light, be the door out of the darkness.
Lift them up instead  of tear  them down.
Love blooms through acceptance and it can only flourish if you nurture  it.

Ελπιδα στα χρονια του χαους

Αλλη μια νυχτα σαν κ εκεινες, εκεινες που φοβαμαι που με αφηνουν συξυλη χωρις υπνο.
Μια νυχτα ακομα που με γεμιζουν τα γιατι  και οι συλλογισμοί, ξερεις απαυτους χωρις νοημα χωρις συνοχή.

Αναβω τσιγαρο  καθως σκεφτομαι και γελαω, πικρα διχως ηχο.
Η ειρωνεία  παντα με εσωζε και η απαξιωση μ'εκανε να νιωθω ασφαλης.

Ποσοι δειλοι ακομα να περασουν απαυτα τα μονοπατια ποσοι ακομα που θα γυρισουν πισω γιατι τους τρομαζει η ανάβαση ?

Βραχια παντου κ φως λιγοστο αλλα απο πισω ακουγεται το κυμα, υποσχεση δροσιας και λαχταρας. Απολυτης ελευθεριας.
 Ειναι παραξενα εδω, κανενας χαρτης μονο το σφιξιμο στο στερνο, "εδω ειμαστε" σκεφτομαι καθως αναβω το τσιγαρο νουμερο 19.

Φτανω κορυφη και ανοιγω τα ματια, μοιάζουν  ολα τοσο μικρα κ ανουσια απο εδω πανω, αλλα παντα οι κορυφες ειναι μοναχικες. Οπως ξαναειπα περνανε πολλοι δειλοι απο δω στις μερες μας , ψαχνουν τον ευκολο  δρομο αυτον που δεν εχει τιποτα και καταληγει στο πουθενα. Ισως σε καποια παραλια κατεστραμμενη απο αλλα ξενα χερια απο χερια που δε σεβαστηκαν που δε νοιαστηκαν. Οχι ομως αυτο που βλεπω εγω.

Εισπνεω τον αερα , ακομα και με τόση  πισσα στα πνευμονια μπορω να τα νιωσω ολα καλυτερα. Τιποτα δεν ηταν τυχαίο  μητε κανονισμενο. Αλληλουχια γεγονότων , ισως, δε θα το ψαξω και πολυ.

Απλώνω  τα χερια μου μπροστα να τα γλυψουν οι τελευταιες ακτινες του ηλιου και νιωθω οτι κραταω τον κοσμο στις παλαμες μου και ακομα δε μπορω να το πιστεψω. Ποσα χρονια στη στασιμότητα  απο φοβο , ποσες στιγμες χαμενες στα "οχι" και στα "μη".

Σταζει δακρυ. Δε μπορω ακομη να το πιστεψω. Ελευθερια στα χρονια της μιζεριας και καρδια πιο φουσκωμενη απο ποτε γεματη ελπιδα.

Καθομαι και περιμένω  μηπως ακουσω βηματα, μηπως καποιος τελικα αλλαξει γνωμη, βλεπεις  θελω ακομη κ τωρα να μοιραστώ  τη θεα, τη μικρη αυτη κορυφη που κατεκτησα κ πάτησα με τη δυναμη μου.

 Χερια δυνατα ετοιμα να βοηθησουν οποιον ειναι  αρκετα γενναιος. Ποτε δεν ειμαστε ετοιμοι παραγματικα, ποτε δε θα κοιταξουμε το φοβο καταματα κ θα τον στειλουμε στο διαολο.
Αλλα σου υποσχομαι αυτο, αν με βρεις θα σου κρατησω το χερι ακομη κ αν πρεπει να το ξανακανω απο την αρχη γιατι  σου ειπα η θεα εχει αξια μονο αν τη μοιραζεσαι.

Short and to the point

"What you long for isn't  coming and your prince charming is most probably an ass."

Eventually.

And I felt it, right beneath my ribcage, a short and sharp familiar pain.

It's  been so long I almost forgot how it was.

When all you've  ever been doesn't  amount to too much every small hit can knock you down.

One more lost fight, one more scar to add to the rest of them.
It's  all fun and games until you end up hurt.

Until you hurt yourself one more time.

Comfort doesn't  come easy and the substances don't  work all that great.
It all hurts a bit too much when you long for human comfort

Companionship.
Someone to lift you up instead of tear you down.

How can it be that we offer others this luxury but never to ourselves. How we keep a straight face whilst we or them twist the knife deeper into the wound.

And I keep wondering how good is good enough, or when if ever will people open their eyes to see.

See what's  good and ignore what makes them  fall.

I'll  build you wings while I keep clipping mine, it doesn't  even matter that much. These legs will take me where I need to be and your flight will be glorious.

Eventually. In time.

Huh

Another night that finds me sober and alone.

Another night accompanied  by thoughts I shouldn't  have, longing for what will never truly be mine.

He will never notice, I will make sure.

Is kindness ever gonna be enough?

If I knew how to stop that silly beat in my chest I would, to spare myself the pain.

And even though I know how this ends I can't  run away.

Silly little thing, brokenhearted no more.

Never ever.

And all the powers above know how I tried.
How I bled myself dry to feel an ounce of anything.
Yet here I am.
Still a bitch with her head held up high but for what?
I stopped texting and people  disappeared, i started texting and they still acted like stupid asses.
Not much that I can do, just count my blessings and move on.
I'm  starting to lose faith, hope for better days.
For I know they won't  come, because good things never happen to us.

One of those nights.

And I have always been that one fool.
You know the fool that falls in love too easily, too fast.
Choosing to see the best in people and believing  that deep down they have a good heart.
From all the times I got kicked down you would expect me to be careful, to be cautious.
But I'm  everything but that.
Foulmouthed and reckless to the bone demanding the truth or nothing at all.
Watching and surveilling but never talking.
So here I am. Naked. Wounded. Standing tall and proud, not one scar that represents  regret or shame.
So you either stay and be real or you go.
You go and fool someone else.
But not me, not this time, not ever again.
 The lamb has become the lion.
And I'm  ready for the hunt. 

Memories of 2018

And you're  the miasma within my blood.
Every bad thought incarnate.
Every ounce of venom i have starts with you.
Your arrogance  and your way with words.
How my mind was spun as if i  was on drugs.
How I believed even for a second that you could be anything more.
But I allowed it.
So I can't  really complain now can I?
I will spit you out.
I don't  hate you,no.
I should care to do that.
I can't  even recall the last time I thought of everything you've  done to me and you.
But the alcohol is plenty  in my veins, and my speech is weak.
Be well for I have left you out.
I'm  happy  now even though I'm  complaining from time to time.
This too shall pass and your memory shall fall to limbo.

Trial by fire

Fight for a place.
Fight for a place in my life don't  demand it.
I don't  mean to scare you for you know that I would let you in.
But I grew tired of waiting, of hoping.
It doesn't  work that way and I know it, somehow i still cling onto  hope.
I'm  summer and you're  winter.
You're  sober and I can't  feel my limbs.
You are safe asleep and I party until I pass out.
So why damn it why do I still see you when I close my eyes.
Why do I hope that someway somehow we'll  meet again?
What a sick and twisted game.

-thoughts of a past life.

Sides.

And I live amongst the memories.
How I felt more in place than ever before.
How it all ended, or has it?
Just a weird gray zone.
Impossibilities that I want to conquer.
On one hand my cigarettes  on the other a half empty glass of gin to fuel the monster I try to suppress.
The side of me that wants to say fuck it all and surrender  to nothingness.
It will not win.
Not ever.
After all at the end of the day all I have is me and me alone.
I'd  rather be kind and patient for this world has known enough hate already.
The unbreakables are the broken ones.
The ones who are not afraid to face their pieces whilst helping others  collect theirs.
Pick a side.

Tired.

And the world grows colder.
Day by day the chill in my bones seems to get worse.
How I can't  seem to wake up the right way.
My chest isn't  heavy now but my mind rolls in turmoil.
Too many questions and more what ifs.
How nobody comes to stay no matter what.
People have grown distant and it makes me angry.
How will these poor souls find solace?
How will our hearts be at peace?
The games are wearing me out.
No rules to follow and countless people that join in.
I'm  tired and nothing ever seems to stop.

The moon

And I never cared much for the sun that touched my body.
 I was born into darkness and the moon offered me solace.
It was and still is the only time of day that I get some peace.
The moon sees my soul, it's  dried my tears countless times and heard my heart break a million more.
The quiet of the night where everyone drifts off to sleep yet I still lay awake is what enchanted me.
How i knew that at this hour only the artists the poets and the hurt were awake with me.
It made me feel less alone.
At night you see people for who they are. If they'll  hold you close or if they'll  choose to ignore you.
It's  at night that you cry yourself to sleep and need some comfort.
And oh the quiet fills every empty space I'll  ever have.

And if you are one of those cowards stay away from me.
Stay far so I won't  see you.
For I am made of wonder and too many feelings.
Hope.
They told me not to lose it....
But I'm  far too tired to dwell on people who leave.
People who are scared of the deep waters.
I learned how to swim but it's  not my place to teach anybody else.
Stay near the shore be afraid and i will laugh as i summon the waves from the deep to drown you all.

Rage.

I was consumed  by fire.
Smouldering  fire that burst out of me in a storm of rage.
 My head felt heavy and my body weak. Shivers down my spine  as I could not believe what was going on.
The room started spinning  and I was out of control.
My breath came out short and my lungs ached when I tried to gasp for air.
 I clenched my fists and closed my eyes but the world still went round in circles.
"This is it" I thought.
"That's  how I'll  go" and in my panic I smiled.
I smiled as my vision grew darker and my head left my shoulders.
I smiled as I succumbed  to unconsciousness  hoping to never wake up again.

Light.

The sun shines a bit brighter , it might be that I welcome the warmth now.
 I'm  not afraid of the light and what comes with it.
My soul  has always been naked for anyone to see and I'm  not gonna change that.
I can't  lie. I can't  play games.
 I've  never been that way.
It's  all or nothing. The rays stroke my skin and it almost feels as if they touch something on the inside.
They chase the shadows out and banish them. What a glorious feeling for a creature of darkness, to be no longer afraid of the light.

Louder.

We deserve a love so loud that will shatter the darkness.
A love that will slip through the cracks to reach for the light.
A love so loud that will make us question what our lives had been before that.
 A love so loud that no matter what tries to break it apart will roar louder.
A love louder than words and what ifs, loud as the beating of our hearts

Repeated story.

And I'm  not so sure anymore. My eyes see and my heart doesn't  want to believe.
Why is it that men always betray us?
 Why is it that they crave female validation so much that they are eager to cheat on the person they chose?
If you want to do that  keep your single status and don't  drag anyone else in your mess. Why get someone so invested in you just to tear them down?
Do human beings mean so little to you?
 And don't  use the "I didn't  know any better" excuse on me. If that was done to a person you hold dear you would be out for blood.
 Set them free if you don't  care, just don't  drag them along in this foolish endeavor  of filling your bottomless ego.
Silly boys never grow up and it's  our curse to fall for them.
What is it that you want from me?
Am I just a convenient asset?
A tool to keep the loneliness away?
 Just another rock in your path that shined a little more than the rest?
 Or was I a haste decision?
 No matter what the answer is, all I know is that you spoke some heavy words and I expect you to stand by them.

Be honest, it saves everybody's  time.

Hell

And it's moments like this one, where I find myself in utter silence that I wonder if this is what hell feels like.

The empty feeling in my stomach and how the air seems thicker and harder to breathe.

How things change out of the blue and leave you speechless, stuck in loops of guilt and doubt.

If things ever get better I want to be protected from this pain. This void that consumes me as the days go by is crippling. I can feel the chill in my bones, all my mistakes creeping back into my head forever holding me hostage to an enemy I cannot defeat.

Silly girl

And the feeling still lingers....
The void gnawing  in the back of my head.
My heart flutters when i think too much and i tend to do that a lot.
 I feel small when doubt gets the best of me. I hate it because I'm  trying so hard to escape this cell I've  created for myself.
 I want to place the blame on others to scream that  it's  not my fault, but it is. I allowed to be treat as such and now I'm  paying the price.... The price of years of manipulation  and mental suffering, of allowing people to trample  over me.
 I'm  almost 26 and I've  never felt so weak. I promised myself that I wouldn't  fall in love again I wouldn't  allow anyone  to gain my affection.
Yet here I am.
Trying to battle my demons while trying to put up a straight face.
I'm  afraid of what will come if it ends.
 I'm  terrified for I know it will break me more than anything before.
 For even in my caution I'm  a blind fool.