Guide

Never let someone experience  the hurt you've  felt before.
Be the guiding light, be the door out of the darkness.
Lift them up instead  of tear  them down.
Love blooms through acceptance and it can only flourish if you nurture  it.

Ελπιδα στα χρονια του χαους

Αλλη μια νυχτα σαν κ εκεινες, εκεινες που φοβαμαι που με αφηνουν συξυλη χωρις υπνο.
Μια νυχτα ακομα που με γεμιζουν τα γιατι  και οι συλλογισμοί, ξερεις απαυτους χωρις νοημα χωρις συνοχή.

Αναβω τσιγαρο  καθως σκεφτομαι και γελαω, πικρα διχως ηχο.
Η ειρωνεία  παντα με εσωζε και η απαξιωση μ'εκανε να νιωθω ασφαλης.

Ποσοι δειλοι ακομα να περασουν απαυτα τα μονοπατια ποσοι ακομα που θα γυρισουν πισω γιατι τους τρομαζει η ανάβαση ?

Βραχια παντου κ φως λιγοστο αλλα απο πισω ακουγεται το κυμα, υποσχεση δροσιας και λαχταρας. Απολυτης ελευθεριας.
 Ειναι παραξενα εδω, κανενας χαρτης μονο το σφιξιμο στο στερνο, "εδω ειμαστε" σκεφτομαι καθως αναβω το τσιγαρο νουμερο 19.

Φτανω κορυφη και ανοιγω τα ματια, μοιάζουν  ολα τοσο μικρα κ ανουσια απο εδω πανω, αλλα παντα οι κορυφες ειναι μοναχικες. Οπως ξαναειπα περνανε πολλοι δειλοι απο δω στις μερες μας , ψαχνουν τον ευκολο  δρομο αυτον που δεν εχει τιποτα και καταληγει στο πουθενα. Ισως σε καποια παραλια κατεστραμμενη απο αλλα ξενα χερια απο χερια που δε σεβαστηκαν που δε νοιαστηκαν. Οχι ομως αυτο που βλεπω εγω.

Εισπνεω τον αερα , ακομα και με τόση  πισσα στα πνευμονια μπορω να τα νιωσω ολα καλυτερα. Τιποτα δεν ηταν τυχαίο  μητε κανονισμενο. Αλληλουχια γεγονότων , ισως, δε θα το ψαξω και πολυ.

Απλώνω  τα χερια μου μπροστα να τα γλυψουν οι τελευταιες ακτινες του ηλιου και νιωθω οτι κραταω τον κοσμο στις παλαμες μου και ακομα δε μπορω να το πιστεψω. Ποσα χρονια στη στασιμότητα  απο φοβο , ποσες στιγμες χαμενες στα "οχι" και στα "μη".

Σταζει δακρυ. Δε μπορω ακομη να το πιστεψω. Ελευθερια στα χρονια της μιζεριας και καρδια πιο φουσκωμενη απο ποτε γεματη ελπιδα.

Καθομαι και περιμένω  μηπως ακουσω βηματα, μηπως καποιος τελικα αλλαξει γνωμη, βλεπεις  θελω ακομη κ τωρα να μοιραστώ  τη θεα, τη μικρη αυτη κορυφη που κατεκτησα κ πάτησα με τη δυναμη μου.

 Χερια δυνατα ετοιμα να βοηθησουν οποιον ειναι  αρκετα γενναιος. Ποτε δεν ειμαστε ετοιμοι παραγματικα, ποτε δε θα κοιταξουμε το φοβο καταματα κ θα τον στειλουμε στο διαολο.
Αλλα σου υποσχομαι αυτο, αν με βρεις θα σου κρατησω το χερι ακομη κ αν πρεπει να το ξανακανω απο την αρχη γιατι  σου ειπα η θεα εχει αξια μονο αν τη μοιραζεσαι.

Short and to the point

"What you long for isn't  coming and your prince charming is most probably an ass."

Eventually.

And I felt it, right beneath my ribcage, a short and sharp familiar pain.

It's  been so long I almost forgot how it was.

When all you've  ever been doesn't  amount to too much every small hit can knock you down.

One more lost fight, one more scar to add to the rest of them.
It's  all fun and games until you end up hurt.

Until you hurt yourself one more time.

Comfort doesn't  come easy and the substances don't  work all that great.
It all hurts a bit too much when you long for human comfort

Companionship.
Someone to lift you up instead of tear you down.

How can it be that we offer others this luxury but never to ourselves. How we keep a straight face whilst we or them twist the knife deeper into the wound.

And I keep wondering how good is good enough, or when if ever will people open their eyes to see.

See what's  good and ignore what makes them  fall.

I'll  build you wings while I keep clipping mine, it doesn't  even matter that much. These legs will take me where I need to be and your flight will be glorious.

Eventually. In time.

Huh

Another night that finds me sober and alone.

Another night accompanied  by thoughts I shouldn't  have, longing for what will never truly be mine.

He will never notice, I will make sure.

Is kindness ever gonna be enough?

If I knew how to stop that silly beat in my chest I would, to spare myself the pain.

And even though I know how this ends I can't  run away.

Silly little thing, brokenhearted no more.

Never ever.

And all the powers above know how I tried.
How I bled myself dry to feel an ounce of anything.
Yet here I am.
Still a bitch with her head held up high but for what?
I stopped texting and people  disappeared, i started texting and they still acted like stupid asses.
Not much that I can do, just count my blessings and move on.
I'm  starting to lose faith, hope for better days.
For I know they won't  come, because good things never happen to us.

One of those nights.

And I have always been that one fool.
You know the fool that falls in love too easily, too fast.
Choosing to see the best in people and believing  that deep down they have a good heart.
From all the times I got kicked down you would expect me to be careful, to be cautious.
But I'm  everything but that.
Foulmouthed and reckless to the bone demanding the truth or nothing at all.
Watching and surveilling but never talking.
So here I am. Naked. Wounded. Standing tall and proud, not one scar that represents  regret or shame.
So you either stay and be real or you go.
You go and fool someone else.
But not me, not this time, not ever again.
 The lamb has become the lion.
And I'm  ready for the hunt. 

Memories of 2018

And you're  the miasma within my blood.
Every bad thought incarnate.
Every ounce of venom i have starts with you.
Your arrogance  and your way with words.
How my mind was spun as if i  was on drugs.
How I believed even for a second that you could be anything more.
But I allowed it.
So I can't  really complain now can I?
I will spit you out.
I don't  hate you,no.
I should care to do that.
I can't  even recall the last time I thought of everything you've  done to me and you.
But the alcohol is plenty  in my veins, and my speech is weak.
Be well for I have left you out.
I'm  happy  now even though I'm  complaining from time to time.
This too shall pass and your memory shall fall to limbo.

Trial by fire

Fight for a place.
Fight for a place in my life don't  demand it.
I don't  mean to scare you for you know that I would let you in.
But I grew tired of waiting, of hoping.
It doesn't  work that way and I know it, somehow i still cling onto  hope.
I'm  summer and you're  winter.
You're  sober and I can't  feel my limbs.
You are safe asleep and I party until I pass out.
So why damn it why do I still see you when I close my eyes.
Why do I hope that someway somehow we'll  meet again?
What a sick and twisted game.

-thoughts of a past life.

Sides.

And I live amongst the memories.
How I felt more in place than ever before.
How it all ended, or has it?
Just a weird gray zone.
Impossibilities that I want to conquer.
On one hand my cigarettes  on the other a half empty glass of gin to fuel the monster I try to suppress.
The side of me that wants to say fuck it all and surrender  to nothingness.
It will not win.
Not ever.
After all at the end of the day all I have is me and me alone.
I'd  rather be kind and patient for this world has known enough hate already.
The unbreakables are the broken ones.
The ones who are not afraid to face their pieces whilst helping others  collect theirs.
Pick a side.