The lovers

They were constant like the sun and the moon. On their own terms. 

He helped her shine a bit brighter and she stayed in the sky as long as she could just to see him rise each dawn. 

 Everlasting ;dancing in circles just a touch away. 

For the constants cannot change but only awe from afar.

Keep out.

Will it ever stop?
 The cancer that never stops growing, the ever looming  presence  of doubt over my head and in my heart?
Keep your nose out of my business.
 I know being second best sucks ass but I never asked for your pain I never asked for any of this. It caught me off guard just as much as you.
Let me be, don't  try to poison what I have because you can't  accept defeat. There are millions of ponds out there for you to swim in, just let me have this droplet to myself. You gain nothing by continuing  what you do, you don't  make me miserable  you don't affect how I think or act.
 The only thing you do gain in fact is pitty. Yes that's  correct, I feel sorry for you and your undeniably big ego, but heed my words.....
In my domain     you.are.nothing. 
Spew your poison and your grief but don't  expect to find a willing audience.

This is my last letter to you.
I'm  sorry but I won't  back off now, I'm  sorry that for once I am enough for who I am and that was all it took. You made your own bed, now sleep in it.

Morning dew

Morning that smell like his skin; warm familiar and sweet.
Arms that fit around me without bruising.
Someone who appreciates silence as much as I do.
I wake up easily when I'm  here, rest finds me and my mind wanders into peaceful sleep much faster.
It's  when I'm  awake that fear strikes me in the face, fear of what it will be like when it ends.
But I try not to dwell; for dwelling makes me weak and fearful.
And this I shall not become again.

Ωχ

Και ειναι κατι νυχτες σαν και τουτη που δε τραβαει το αγγλικο. Δε τραβαει ρε αδερφε. Αραδες με λεξεις και ασυνδετες προτασεις που δε θα βγαλουν νοημα αλλα δε γαμιεται? Αφου έμελλε  να γινει ετσι ας ειναι.

Σκεφτομουν ποσο ζηλευω τους ανθρωπους που μεταθετουν ευθυνες, ναι ξερεις αυτους που ποτε δεν εχουν αδικο και παντα θα τα ριξουν αλλου. Ειναι αυτοι που ειναι παντα χαλαροι και αν τους βαλεις σε γωνια με καποια κατηγορια κανουν σα λυσσασμενα ντοπερμαν μεχρι να τους πεις οτι "ολα οκ δε πειραζει τελικα δε φταις εσυ". Εχουν ενα ταλεντο να αποποιούνται  τις ευθυνες και να ξεφευγουν τοσο ευκολα που στην τελικη παιζει να μη νιωθουν καν τι κανουν, οχι σαν εμας τους μαλακες που τραβαμε τονους πισω μας.
Οχι δε θυματοποιω απαυτο δε θα γινω ποτε. Θυμα.
Με αηδιαζει μεχρι και η λεξη.
Οτι γαμημενη επιλογη πηρα την ηθελα και ας μην εβλεπα τι μου γινοταν, γιαυτο και θα κουβαλαω παντα μερτικο της ευθύνης (ειπαμε δε θα φταιω για τα παντα μη του πηδαμε διχως όριο).
Ζηλευω που λες γιατι εγω ρε αδερφε δε μπορω να ειμαι χαλαρη και λαιτ, προσφατως ακουσα μια κουβεντα μεσα στον ησαπ
-και τι εφταιξες και συ η πρεζα στα πηρε ολα.
-ε ναι ρε φιλε τι να κανω εγω για πλακα ειπα να το δοκιμασω και με γαμησε.
ΟΧΙ φιλε εφταιξες, μη μιζεριαζεις για τις επιλογες σου, κανε κατι γιαυτο. Παραλληλα κ αυτον τον ζηλεψα γιατι ειχε μια εξαρτηση. Εξαρτηση απο ουσια εννοω. Εχω και γω μερικες αλλα σιγουρα δε με οδηγουν στο θανατο τοσο γρηγορα οσο αυτον, τουλαχιστον αυτος θα φυγει μια ωρα αρχητερα την πηρε την αποφαση του καιρο πριν.
Θα με δεις να καπνιζω, ποια εγω που μεχρι το 2014 το εκραζα κ αυτο και το χορτο, τα θεωρουσα μαλακιες και τωρα δε μπορω να ξυπνήσω  διχως νικοτινη στο αιμα μου.
Αλλα αυτο που με δυσκολευει δεν ειναι οι ουσιες που χρειαζομαι πλεον για να ξελαμπικαρω το μυαλο μου, ειναι οι πραγματικες μου εξαρτησεις.
Ναι υπαρχουν κ αυτες, να εισαι πρεζακι συναισθηματων να θες να νιωθεις οσο μπορεις παραπανω γιατι φοβασαι οτι μια μερα θα ξυπνησεις κενος απο το γαμησι που εχεις φαει τοσα χρονια.
Γαμησι που επετρεπα να σημειωσω.
Τελος παντων, διψαω να νιωθω. Στεναχωρια χαρα καυλα πες το οπως θες καντα ολα ενα κακο μιξ και βουτα με μεσα, να μη ξερω τι μου γινεται και να χορεύω  σα την τρελη καπου μονη μου σε ηχους pop punk με μια μπύρα  στο χερι.
Δε θα το παιξω ψαγμενη ουτε σοφιστικε γιατι η αληθεια ειναι πως δεν εχω ιδεα τι μου γινεται. Απλα λεω συνειρμούς  μπας και βγαλω ακρη.
Και ναι που λες με μια μπυρα στο χερι να κανω βολτες και να μιλαω για πραματα με ουσια η να χορευω μονη μου ειτε να διαβάζω  , αλλα εκει παρε μου τη μπυρα θα τα ξεχασω μετα.
Να γνωριζω κοσμο που δε φοβαται να νιωσει. Ατομα που μπορουν να αντεξουν την ιδια τους τη μπεσα οπως μπορω και γω χωρις ντροπη χωρις κοροιδια γιατι στο κατω κατω τι μας μενει περα απο μας.
25 χρονων χωρις πτυχιο να τρωω τα ετοιμα λεφτα μου ντροπη κ αισχος θα πω εγω αλλα απο την αλλη βολεμενη, με φοβιζει το κωλοχαρτο γιατι θα φερει πουτανες ευθυνες που δεν ειμαι ετοιμη  να σηκωσω ακομα και δε ντρεπομαι να το πω. Ζω την εφηβεια που εχασα, με μια δοση ωριμοτητας παντα. Το ελεγα προσφατα οτι μαρεσει που ζω τωρα πραματα που αλλοι ζησανε στα 15 τους. Τα βλεπω με αλλο ματι τα κανω χάζι και λεω βρε για δες.
Τα κανω χάζι  οπως κανω οταν βλεπω ερωτευμενα γεροντια να καθονται μαζι, αυτα κ αν τα ζηλευω.
Εδω καμια φορα αποστρεφω το βλεμμα μου γιατι θελω να κλαψω, μου φαινεται γλυκο πουναι ακομα μαζι κ ας μη μπορουν να παρουν τα ποδια τους κ ας εκνευριζουν ο ενας τον αλλο.
Πλεον ζουμε στην εποχη του εφημερου και της πουστιας. Εναν γαμιολη και μια πουτανα που ειναι τρου θελω να δω. Που πολεμανε για εκεινους και αυτο που εχουν και δε κοιτανε την καλοπεραση και την ευκολη λυση. Που εχουν διαγραψει το δεδομενο απο το λεξιλογιο τους και ερωτεύονται  καθημερινα ο ενας τον αλλο πιο πολυ κ ας σπανε αρχιδια πολλες φορες.
Νατο ειδες; εγω στο ειπα καμια συνοχη. Αλλα αν εισαι εδω και διαβαζεις ακομα παει να πει πως μαλλον με ξερεις. Η εισαι και συ εξισου πειραγμενος και δεν εχεις τι να κανεις το ξημερωμα και καπως επεσες πανω σαυτο.
Να ξερεις εγω δε γραφω ετσι, θελω να ειμαι λυρικη και να βγαζω νόημα ΑΛΛΑ αφου η ψυχη μου σημερα  ηθελε αλλα σιγα μη της το στερησω. Αρκετα με κουρασα και σε κουρασα.

Καληνυχτα.

Words.

Talk is cheap, like the alcohol  running through myy veins clouding my better judgment.
Inhaling the smoke that will cut my life short, i try to reassemble some sense into me.

Actions that prove  the opposites of what i believed, of what people showed me at first.
Trust is earned and lost.
It's  time consuming and toxic if you think about it, having to fight to be the one. Sometimes it's  even hard to be yourself amdist all this caos.

Being gentle,kind and truly good is almost impossible; you lose your ego and your mind.
And no, having an ego is not bad. It means that you value yourself over anyones bullshit.

There is a thin line between having humanity and being a dumb bitch.
The lines are thining; so is my speech.

Fear the day when I will have nothing to say and no more power to complain; for that will be the day I give up on you, on us.

Νot again.

Strange night tonight, it howls with loneliness  and disbelief.
My soul is questioning again. Things that should only be clear are now obscured.
My eyes want to see but people keep shoving  mud into them.
Why are they so afraid of what I might find?
Why can't  they be honest?
Trust is so hard to come by and it shatters easier than crystal.
You might say "they didn't  earn it" and to that I will look at you with a smirk on my face and tell you that I like to think the best of people just to give them the potential to grow around me. I don't  want them to see someone with second thoughts I just need them to be them.
And i expect them to be truthful exactly as I am right here right now.
And yet again it's  just another night that finds me clutching  at my pillows wishing i didn't  have to cry myself to sleep, another night with short breaths and waves of paranoid jealousy crushing my chest.
I'll  let none of it show. I'm  not that person anymore. Not the kind of energy I want to return into the universe.

I hope for a better morning with a clear head and light shoulders, a morning where I get to kiss someone who hasn't  lied or tried to deceive me.

Naked.

I wasn't  ruined by the chaos of the world.
In fact I remained untouched by it.
Everything goes incredibly fast or slow there is no happy medium in this life.
People that can't  move forward or people that sprint towards the future.
Stability  is built in the little moments that happen naturally.
Like the way you look at me and my knees give out.
But I stand strong and tall, refusing to give in because of what my heart desires.
My mind has made every possible scenario and is ready for every outcome.
I need you to listen I need you to feel.
I need you to look into my eyes and offer me the raw truth; no more lies no more secrets.
My soul  is tired and has no room for doubt and toxic behaviours.
I need to see the naked real you; hiding  beneath the sueface screaming for a chance.

Demise.

Tonight I'm  letting go.
Letting go of who I was completely.
I need my mind to quiet down for a bit to see things straight so that my heart can rest.

I expected to be mad.
I asked for honesty and i got cheap lies.
Why is it so hard for people to understand? All I ever ask for is clarity. Truth.

The one thing nobody will ever offer.

Continue  dancing little puppets. Dance in circles with the rest of them I'll  just stay here and watch how happy you all seem. And when the insects rain from above to swallow you whole I'll  be the one to survive. The one with the thickest skin and no strings to stop me from running.

The night when it all began.

And yet again another night finds me with a broken  heart. Another promise that fell a bit too shallow to cause any turmoil.
People are weak. Dwell in the past if that's  your  poison, I'm  not that girl any longer.
It happened as I was about to dive.
Thank the powers above and bellow that sent that little warning bell.
A leash to yank me back into reality.
Humans with no humanity; empty vessels carrying  rotten souls. What have we become?

I can't  fight any longer.
What's  one more knife through my back?
I wanted to cry but my eyes were dry, just a rough smirk and a sense of gaging.
"I should have known". There's  a piano playing in the distance and I'm  smoking a cigarette in silence.

The warrior

And like smoke he was gone.
Flying  through my fingers, felt but never here to stay.
Being ignored hurts, insecurity  rising up.
2nd chances  dead and gone.
He's  a traveler, a ship with no anchor to throw, never staying in a port too much.
Lightning  stroke my chest as I watched his back when he left.
Not a word spoken just deafening silence.

Nights grow colder and I'm  yearning still.

It will be winter soon and my heart trembles.

The summer boys fade and the gloom reaches faster.

I stare with awe outside , how the rain pounds on the rooftops and how clean the air smells when you go outside.

I'm  tired of the people that tiptoe in shallow waters.

Fall with me in the deep, follow me to the unknown.

Forge a new path and leave the fears behind.

Don't  keep me captive in year old patterns ; stagnant like the calm waters of a lake.

I'm  a mighty ocean; a sea full of storms and wonders.

Memory

His gaze is bewitching, how he stares with no shame as if he means to peer into my soul.
His breath is steady but I know not what  he thinks.
How is it so easy for him but so scary for me.
He looks as if I'm  made of stars and he has never before seen a clear night sky, is that how people see me?
I neither know nor care, all that matters is that in this moment I am his to hold.
I exhale and feel my shoulders tremble.
I can hardly believe I'm  here, so many years apart.
He traces my skin as if it's  burning and he's  afraid of the flame; not a touch too much, just enough to have me begging  for more.

Solitutde

And it felt almost unfair that I had to fall for the unavailable one.
A soul in love with solitute.
A man who walks this earth alone.
In his strength I found peace and longing.
I don't  mean to invade his space just to observe how he moves, to marvel him from afar and cherish how gently he shall break me.
It is fate to fall in love with the ones who will never be ours.
Works of beauty and wonder, wild and gentle at the same time.

Late nights with clear head

His hand felt warm against mine.
My fingers tremble as i trace the shape of his jaw.
Every curve every edge perfectly placed.
He's  like a well written poem, every line right where  it's  supposed to be.
I don't  want the sun to rise so I can stay a bit longer, to cherish what I have.
His eyes a complicated mess, they speak with deafening  silence.
They convey what we are afraid to admit.
I long for the next nightfall that will find us together.
Legs intertwined, eyes bloodshot and hearts full of yearning.

  He occupies a very strange place in my mind.
The place where memories lie when i surrender myself to sleep.
His hands are familiar against my skin, rough and soft at the same time.
I don't  know where this road leads but I'm  going to take his path.
After so many years my heart still yearns for him. I was merely  a teen then, a grown woman now.
I will fight even If I lose in the end.
I shall be his solace, quiet when his mind  runs 1000mph.
I will cherish every inch of his skin even if he never decides to be mine. For in my mind he is.
The boy I used to know now a man, standing tall and strong but gentle at night.

The boy who became king

Feast on my soul more than my body.
Make sparks fly in my mind.
Let your eyes tell the biggest truths and let your yearning hands travel on me.
Speak to me.
Let your mind forget the pain, you're  alone no longer.
I've  waited so long to hold you again. Always on the outside looking in.
It was not our time then, will it be now?
Does your body thirst for mine? Does your soul feel the electricity?
Don't  leave this time. 

And with that the summer boy began to walk away.
Like sand between my fingers i watched  him as he disappeared.
I could only watch how it all went, afraid to move and unable to speak.
My hands would have never been enough for him, how his smile radiated warmth like the sun.
I watched him as he turned cold and denied me what I needed.
He turned indifferent  and pretended i was nothing.
With that I knew my summer was over, as I had predicted he was not gentle to my heart.
At least my walls are still half standing, i won't  have to do much work to be comfortable again.
I just have questions.
Summer boy why did you do that? Why did you build me up just to see me fall? You could have been honest and you would still have gotten what you wanted so why the rest?
Why test a broken heart to see how many whips it can take?

Note to self.

The way his skin feels against mine is electrifying, how he gazes into my eyes as if I actually  matter.
His lips feel like cool water on a hot summer day.
He makes my heart feel light and my limbs numb.
It's  all so easy when he's  around me.
How his hands fit around my waist and how I don't  shy away from his touch.
Summer has a magic way of making everything seem simple, I hope winter will be gentle to my heart.

Let me be.

We're all monsters in human form.
Creatures of the night wearing skin.
Our eyes see nothing but the surface;our souls rotten to the core.
Carnivores with no sense of emotion, animalistic and savage like our roots.
This world is a scary place for the last few still standing by what they truly believe in.


I sit in silence, it's  the only way solace finds me. I stand still and focus on the beat of my heart; how my lungs inflate with every breath and how I exhale the smoke of what kills me.


It's  the only choice I have left.
To just be, with no expectations.
I fear the demons that come at night, the ones looking to devour me whole.
I conceal  who I am for the sake of being safe, guarded behind my own walls of disbelief.
I fear what tomorrow brings. I fear that my last moment will be anytime and anywhere.
I lie low, lower than the shadows.
They won't  see me there, neither will you.
Don't  try to shed light, the waters are murky and deep, danger is everywhere.


Let me be.

Wiser?

And I won't let myself fall again.
I won't look for more where there is none.
Come as it may, that's how I'll move from now on.
It pains me because I was never like this, but my heart still aches.
It reeks of betrayal and lies.
I'll always be who I am, a lover a giver, I won't show it though.
I'll grit my teeth and feel in silence as all wise men do.

So it begins

Beware of the pretty face, of the truth behind the lies.
His smile hides danger and I'm drawn like  moth to flame.
He'll burn my wings and kill me slow.
He will destroy my walls as if they never were built at all.
Yet I'm not afraid, he smells like sunshine ans seasalt.
Like things I've never seen and tasted before.

I wish him well with all the luck.
My wings are bruised but not weak anymore.
I'll fly to different places eventually.
I wish him not to stay rooted here, in all this mess.
I wish him all my love.
I wish myself well and happy as I am.
And the morning shall find me elsewhere.

hope

With every fall the cracks become wider.
The darkness won't win, not this time.
I will bare my chest so the light can shine in, to banish the darkness.
I scream until my lungs give out, I'm alone here.
I let it all go and wish them well in the summer wind.
I'll heal, I'll spread hope and love because this world has known enough hate.

And just like that i told myself to let go.
No more pain no more wasted time on people.
I've  had had enough lies and manipulation  to last me a lifetime.
I stopped waiting for you a long time ago.
I'm  spreading my wings and people notice how I fly.
I've  misses feeling this young this light. As if I'm  floating on new feelings.
Everything is new to my eyes now and I see myself  clearer than before.
I see my worth I see what good I can offer to those around me.
I'm  sorry you were to scared and weak to keep me, it's  a pitty that you had the most beautiful bird locked up and treated like a wasp.
But now I know and I won't  have my legs shackled anymore.
Goodbye.

24/8/18

Human.

I'm  made of skin and bones and too much love.
Love to fill enough empty spaces so noone will feel lonely again.
Love like the one I lost and the one I hope to find one day.

The only dream I had was him and I happy and in love, not on borrowed time but with our own rules.
But life has a funny way of hurting the lovers.
What a bitch.

Chapter 1.

My lips are dry.
They crack as they scream in the dead of night.
My soul is thirsty for what used to be and will be no more.
Thank you for everything, the fire in my chest will cease to burn.
I tremble as I think,alone as i've  always been.
I'll  let the love sleep.

Piece.

Yeah I was totally wrong.
He moved on while I clung unto hope.
I tried to grasp any little piece to give me strength so I wouldn't  drown.
But no, i'll  drown anyway.
I hoped and still do but it'll  get me nowhere......
If by any chance you lay eyes on this don't  be afraid and talk to me.
I could never hate you even if I tried.
But know I won't  hold my breath for I.have been let.down by myself one too many times.

Cicle

Hope will be the death of me.
Even though I told myself I shouldn't  have any expectations.
I might be imagining things but I thought he'd  come.
That he would cast aside his foolish ego and put someone else first.
I was probably wrong again, blinded by my own emotions.
My mind is so clouded and i'm  probably chasing ghosts.
For he left me and ignored everything I did, why on earth would he ever miss me?
I think I see signs. But I'm  probably wrong as I've  always been.

Don't run.

Let the silence be broken.

Let me see the raw real you.

The hurt the mistakes the embarassment.

And I won't  hide either, I will show you who I really am.

No longer worried by fears of the past.

Feed my flame so I can feed yours.

We've  always been the crazy kind haven't  we?

Rust.

Like an old clock we were steady.
But someone forgot to oil or cogwheels.
Suddenly he stopped.
Our mechanism was broken.
Only love and time will fix this machine again.
I long to hear the ticking but my hands are not steady enough.
I shake in fear for the mistakes I might commit.
If time goes on like this rust will form, and the machine might not run again.

Carnival

I'm  not walking away. Not yet at least.
My world is burning and I stand still.
I'm  afloat somewhere between the state of sleep and consciousness.
I get by with my small victories.
I'm  afraid of those around me of how mad they will be that I still wait.
Of what will happend if by any chance I get to decide where I stand.
I'm  comfortable  here, not knowing how or why.
My chest feels lighter as the days go on but my feelings linger still.
Like a slow burning fire they fuel me.
I wish there was someone or something to blame so that my anger wouldn't  flare up.
I'm  not angry with him but with myself because I never saw it coming.
It's  late once again and my thoughts are all over the place.
At least I'm  not ashamed anymore and I know that I try.

It's late and I'm not fine

If you ask them what they see in him they shall say: a hardworking man, a friend a foe.
When they ask me I can only smile through my tears and reply "Home".

chapter 0

And so we became what we feared the most.
Two strangers who share memories of a lifetime long gone.
I am missing you and I will miss you but I know you won't

- So here's to you my eternal longing my unending what if.

Well done.

And in the end you became everything you swore you hated.
Just one more dirty male whore ready to entertain a mass of brainless creatures.
Thank you for committing  suicide right in front of my eyes and making me see just how wrong I was about you.

forever.

When you are with someone you always think you have forever, but you don't. You never do.
We only have borrowed time until one hearts gets broken and the other walks away as if nothing happened.

still.

And maybe I was the only one that fell in love.
That drowned in the feeling.
I broke myself over and over without a thought because he was worth it because he still is.
How safe I felt withing his arms, like noone could touch me.
But in the end who the hell was I? Just another rock in his path.
He cast me aside with no feeling.
Why do I still have hope? Why do I still wait?
He is never coming back and it scares me to death.
I will never be able to tell him I love him and wish him nothing but the best even though it hurts.
He will never offer me closure, he did what I told him I feared the most.
Here I am still waiting, still yearning.

Questions

I wonder when it ended for him.
When he decided that our love was not worth fighting for anymore.
I can't sleep well and I've lost so much weight since then.
I stare at blank walls and try to understand.
I want to talk to him so badly to let him know how much he means to me and how sorry I am for failing to keep my jealousy in check. I want to tell him all the things I've realised in these days.
It can't only be me that misses him still that yearns for his touch.
Or maybe I am because he was gone long before he said anything to me.
I will always wonder.

....

I'm  calling out to you the only way I know how.
Through my silence.
I'm  afraid to speak up I no longer wish to disturb your peace of mind.
But here I am silently screaming pleading for you to listen.

Cage.

If I could i'd  take it back.
How neurotic and paranoid I was from time to time.
How my hands tried to hold you down when you wanted to fly.
Lies made me that way, desperately  longing to be loved by you.
The free bird I wanted to sing only for me.
Humans are like that, egotistical  and possessive.
You sang for me so freely but lied when i asked if you sang the same for someone else.
And that's  when i began to lock the door.
But you grew smarter and smarter and found ways to deceive me more, until the day you left.
I miss your song but I won't  miss the rest.
I want someone that will only sing for me and won't  care for further audience.
Someone who will hear me singing back and will appreciate the broken little notes that make me who I am.
Goodbye my free bird for now I set you free.

Day 13

As the days go by I began to forget his voice.
How his hands traced my hips when we slept in the same bed.
The smell and the warmth of his body begin to fade away.
My chest feels heavy but I'm  not angry anymore.
I'm  trying to find some reason for how things went but I'm  only now realising  that my questions will never find an answer.
I hope I'll  be okay with that one day.
His side of the bed feels empty and cold.
The memories  still linger still haunt.
Love left such a bitter taste in my mouth, if I can call it that.
That's  the only thing that makes me mad.
For all those years we spent together the one thing that will stay with me is how violently it ended, how it ripped me to pieces.
As the days go by I wish I'll  begin to forget you.

And just like that it ended.
With a loud thunder my soul broke in a million pieces.
I will miss you, I love you more than I can ever put into words.
I hope you find all you've ever wanted and that you will think of us from time to time.
If you ever find it in your heart love me some and don't forget how I tried.
I made so many mistakes and I will never be able to take them back but one thing I know for sure is that I will never regret loving you.
I hope that I will heal as fast as you so I can look back and see the things that made us.
I stayed awake wishing so many nights that you would think this through and you would find it somewhere in you to give it a chance. But you didn't. So I won't talk about you anymore. I will try to go on. 3.5 years gone in a week with no explanations. I feel lost if nothing else. I have questions and you left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, the taste of ignoring me and not even talking to me face to face. I can never forgive that.

I will remember
I will miss
I will love

you.

Memory

I have forgotten.
I can't  recall if I was ever able to trust those around me.
Fickle little thing always seems to escape my grasp.
When was the last time I felt genuinely  happy?
When was the last time I let myself be devoured without second thought.
We all deserve to be adored, to be loved for who we are and who we try to be.
I guess not I.
I try and try but love eludes me.
Maybe it's  not ment to be.
Maybe the paths I cross are always there to punish me for sins in previous lives.
I wish I knew for what I'm  being punished, why I have to hurt each time I give myself away.
I have forgotten his touch, his love , his companionship.
I have forgotten.

Longing

I miss what used to be.
But most of all I miss "him".

Hollow

And I loved him until my heart ached.
The feeling within my bones lingers still.
Faint like my hope looking for something to hold onto.
I've  never been this tired before, my eyes refuse to shed the emotions they hide and my chest is crushed with neverending  sadness.
Even sleeping is hard these days, i try but i can get no rest, I'm  always half awake hoping.
I can't  cope with this anymore

Breathe

I fell silent. For the first time I had no strength left to speak, to complain, to explain.
My soul was touched by ice, I was indefferent and it was as if my being aged in one night.
I forgot how it was to be alive, the flow of joy within my bones.
My skin felt as if it had been liked by electricity, my fingertips trembled and I could have sworn I saw sparks fly.
Why again? Why me? Why now?
The air is thick and my judgment clouded.

Old one.

And suddenly all my broken pieces fell into place, where there was fear now there was joy, all the clouds that were once around me were going away. 

And I could do nothing but stare at the sheer beauty of this new beginning.

Shiver

I ended up walking in the dead of night. This game can't go on much longer. My senses were dulled; the cold was not so piercing anymore and my heart had quited down. My thoughts are a mess, I no longer know why I stay. I feel tired yet I keep walking in the dark. I ask questions in the hopes that light might be shed so I might find my way. My body is bruised my spirtit broken. I can hear my heart shatter day after day. I'm trying to find love where it once was, but all I see is my castles burned to the ground. The warning signs were always there , "this is obssesive" "this is not gonna work" "love doesn't feel like that". I ignored each and everyone of them in hopes that I would be right in the end. Now I know, this pain is familiar. This feeling of emptiness, the void and the tears that won't stop coming. My eyes burn and there is no other choice but to accept that if I don't walk away everything will get worse. And yet I can't bring myself to take this step, to take the plunge that will set me free.
I've talked so much that I'm losing my mind. I'm tired of repeating myself, of asking for some respect. "Do  unto others as you would have them do unto you" that's the phrase I live by. I never want someone to feel the way I've felt in the past. My purpose is not to destroy but to love and bring happiness. But my soul has almost run dry.
I'm tired.

Another night.

My chest feels heavy and my arms weak.
The air is beginnig to thicken and my thoughts are no longer straight.
What is this warmth on my cheeks and why do my eyes burn?
I can't move.
Everything is rushing in, all at once.
It's getting progressively harder to breathe.
I can feel myself shaking even though I'm not cold.
My mind is a mess.
I hear people talking but i can't understand what they are trying to say.
The people are gone now. Only shadows remain.
It's quiet, so very quiet.
I hear my ribs cracking, oh.
No that was just my heart.
It hurts and I can't move.
I want to stand up but my body refuses to listen.
It's dark now and I still can't sleep.
It's been 4 days.
I hear the cracking noise again.
I'm screaming now.
I'm staring at a wall, I can no longer scream.
My throat is sore.
Noone will listen anyway.
The pressure is getting worse.
All I manage to do is cry.
Why why why why why why.
Is this madness? Yes I think it is.
Why won't the sun come up.
The shadows, they begin to speak again.
"Neurotic". "Paranoid". "Depressed".
I hear the cracking noise once more.
Silence.

lost

It's one of those nights again.
The ones where you lie down and wonder if you matter.
Why do people try to hurt the ones that seem to care?
I've had my fill of false promises of empty words and daydreams.
I've changed. I was once strong and confident and now all I seem to do is wallow in doubt and self pitty.
I'm tired of this; of looking at the darkness above my bed while crying myself to sleep.
All that because I care too much and still believe in people keeping their word.
But that will never happen will it? 
No... virtue has been long lost.

further

I toss and turn, unable to sleep yet not quite awake. There is a discomfort in my chest, a strange feeling i thought was long gone.
Doubt.
I look at the small lights from my devices trying to guess what time it is.
Im afraid to look because it's probably already morning.
You're fast asleep without a care and i can't seem to find peace.
You denied me the pleasure of sleep without feelings of  worthlessness and sadness.
It's getting harder to swallow now and my eyes sting because i forgot how to blink.
Even the pills don't work anymore, there is no ease; just nothing.
I wonder how much more i can endure, I've come miles further than i ever thought i could.
Yet i dont know if that was the wisest choice, to exhaust my limits to diminish my flame.
You see i used to burn bright like the sun, i was a wildfire , if i wanted something or someone i always won the war and enjoyed my spoils.
Now my army is broken, the soldiers wounded and the ranks weak, i dont know if this is another fight or the endning of the actual war.
I hope i wont lose. I hope my cunning will get me through.
But your strategies have grown cruel and catch me off guard, for i am powerless when you say  you love me. And i grow numb when the next day you take it all back.
You play dirty.
I'm a woman of my word and i fight clean and fair, injustice and fake accusations are not what I'm made of.

The long road.

And I waited for the words to become reality, to become action, something i could grasp on.
I wanted it to be real, I needed it to be real.
I wanted to believe that someone would at last not give up but give in.
People like me are unbearable I get it; we expect too much and love in strange ways. Our heads are lost up in the clouds along with long lost ideas of love,ideals,ways of how this are supposed to be.
Yet here I am refusing to give up despite the constant disappointment .
I keep telling myself that I need to let got of empty promises of people who are too good with words but shockingly devoid of any intent for action. But here I am still trying to prove to the world that they should change and not I. What a lonely fool I am.

Care.

Don't feed my flames so fast.
They are used to slow and steady, for they grow wild and burn anything and anyone in their way.
Don't let me be ash so you can have your fill.
Keep me burning for a while.
Slow and steady love.